1. Hearing your friends talk about an upcoming trip to the mall and thinking, Nope. I buy everything in 15 minutes or less at Forever 21, or at 2 a.m. on Amazon, so, no, I would not like to go to "my definition of hell" with you.
2. Walking into your friend's bathroom and seeing a sea of products and having no idea what she does with them. Every time I walk into my friend Jenn's bathroom, it's like walking into a Bath & Body Works outlet store, only John Mayer isn't playing at full volume and there aren't any gregarious moms nearby. I didn't even know she wore makeup and yet I am awash in a sea of various bronzers. Did she go to beauty school? Man, Jenn and I need to talk more.
3. Looking at photos of sexy lingerie and having zero intention of actually wearing any of that crap to sleep in. Listen, if I needed new pajamas, I'd wait for my office to have another wilderness retreat so I could score an XL, who-cares-what-it-looks-like T-shirt that I have no reservations about staining with pizza.
4. Hearing someone talk about contouring and thinking, Cool. I will never in my life do that. I'm not saying it doesn't look good when people do it, but I just learned how to apply winged eye-liner that's 80 percent even and that took, like, 10 years to learn, so no, thanks.
5. When you watch makeover shows, you relate more to the clueless boyfriends than the woman getting a makeover. There's nothing more bizarre than realizing you're the weird one because you relate to the makeover woman's Midwestern husband who doesn't get what all the fuss is about and thinks she looked fine before.
6. Having no one believe that it only takes you 10 minutes to get ready until they actually see it for themselves, and look at you like you're Jesus and you just performed a miracle. Granted, no one is shocked that it only took me five minutes to apply mascara and put on foundation, but still.
7. Not understanding why women go and pay for bang trims when you've trimmed your bangs plenty of times by yourself. Sure, they were uneven, but I just told myself they were "angled." Thanks, denial!
8. Feeling like you're the only person in Starbucks who isn't ordering something you made up. A half-caf, grande, no foam, latte with room? Please draw a diagram of what that is on this napkin and speak slowly. When I order, the words "iced tea" leave my mouth and are sometimes only followed by the word "green," so this is all news to me.
9. Seeing a woman wearing massively high heels and wanting to hand her a pair of slippers. Like, good for her if she's happy, but also, has she walked in dollar store flip-flops or a finely crafted slipper? And more to the point, who made her do this?! There is no way someone would choose that shoe option. I'm genuinely getting worried.
10. Walking into work and noticing everyone around you looks like they're in a Pantene Pro-V commercial. When do you all go and get blowouts every single day and how do you afford them? Or do you actually do that yourself with your own hands? One time I tried to blow out my own hair and it ended up in a ponytail after five minutes because my upper arms got tired. Never again.
11. Hearing your friends talk about their nonstop drama with their boyfriends and being like, "Oh my god, break up. You're clearly unhappy." And then they get really mad because they think that having nonstop drama with someone is part of a normal relationship and all you want to do is a take a nap because she's wrong, so wrong.
12. Having everyone smack your hand away from your own phone when you tell them you're just going to text the guy you like instead of analyzing it for hours. Apparently, that's not a "strategy" and there's another way you need to play it, but the thing is, I already have a strategy. It's called "text him what I was going to originally text him before my friends intervened and if he doesn't like it, he's not the one."
13. When someone asks you where you got your sweater and you tell them you don't even remember and they immediately think you're a psycho. Did I not specifically mention the frantic Forever 21 "grab what you can and get out of there" trips and the Amazon blackouts? Jeez.
14. Feeling like a weirdo because you'd rather have your boyfriend do something really personal and sweet, like returning your library books when you're busy, than buying you something from Tiffany's. On second thought, is it possible to choose "both" as an option? I'm not made of stone.